AU Mall Madness!
by ChioneTheMetroid
Summary: Arthas Menethil and Varian Wrynn face a new challenge...shopping. Very, very AU, and OOC. Lolz.


Arthas Menethil and Varian Wrynn face a new challenge...shopping. Very, very AU, and OOC. Sort of.

Disclaimer: Blizzard owns all characters, not me.

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"By the Light, I do love Chinese food," Arthas declared as he dropped a piece of General Tso's chicken from a pair of chopsticks to his mouth. The young man made a loud "MMMMMM" sound as he chewed and swallowed the delicious yet dubiously safe morse, then took a long sip of Mountain Dew.

"Caffeine is bad for you, Arthas. You know how jittery you get." Varian peered seriously over his newspaper to look over at the blonde man, who was now downing the rice in the takeout container.

"It's not like I'm going to have to be swinging a sword around in here, Varian. Lighten up, would you? Oh, ha ha! Get it? LIGHTen up? Oh, funny paladin joke, right there. I'll use that on Uther next time he gets his panties in a bunch about me."

Arthas chortled through a mouthful of rice. He promptly choked.

Several odd stares and one heimlich maneuver by Varian later, Arthas was once again resting comfortably in his chair at the food court, now finished with his Chinese food. Varian had moved from the news section down to sports.

"Stormwind was knocked out of the Azeroth Cup yesterday," Arthas said. Varian closed the paper and slapped it back down on the table with an indignant snort.

"You knocked Lordaeron out last round. Deal with it."

"We were beat by a bunch of druids..."

"Dude, I hear those moonkin druids play a mean game of football," Arthas stated matter-of-factly, wagging his finger at Varian.

"Stop being a dick about it Arthas. You're just jealous that our football team is clearly superior to yours..."

"You know what I also hear? Those cat druids? I hear they just stealth over and grab that ball RIGHT from ya and run it all the way to the goal..."

The sound of ballet flats approaching silenced the two bickering men as a petite blonde woman approached the table.

"OH HAI JAINA HOW ARE YOU TODAY IT IS A NICE DAY OH YES IT IS" Arthas said, turning a very deep shade of red.

"Arthas is being a dick. Hit him for me, will you? Every time I try, he paladin bubbles. The jerk." Varian glared at the lovestruck man beside him.

"Hi, Arthas," Jaina smiled, and bent down and kissed him on the cheek. Arthas just sat there with a goofy grin on his face, still beet red.

"Figures I'd find you two on a Saturday," she ignored Varian's last comment. "I know you guys don't do shit on the weekends."

"My dear lady, we are merely making use of what little free time we have as prominent human political leaders. Isn't that right, Arthas?"

"YOU ARE VERY PRETTY." Arthas said, not paying any attention.

"GODDAMN IT ARTHAS STOP THINKING WITH YOUR DICK FOR FIVE SECONDS," roared Varian. Half the food court turned and stared. Varian slumped down in his chair, feeling very embarrassed.

Jaina went into damage control mode, and pulled the two troublemakers out of their seats, and out of the food court.

"_Men_," she muttered, pulling them into the nearest department store.

"Sit here," she said, sitting them down in the shoes section. "And for the Light's sake, _Don't break anything_. I will be back in FIVE minutes, I need to buy some portal runes and some mascara, so stay out of trouble till then, _I beg of you_."

She turned on the heel of her ballet flat and walked away towards the elevator.

The two men stared after her.

"...You two still dating?" Varian asked, casually.

"Yeahhhhhhh," Arthas said, dreamily. "I like her lots."

"...She give good sex?"

"Sometimes in the middle of it she teleports to the top. She's fucking _crazy_, man." Arthas gave him his best 'I am having sex with Jaina and you are not' grin.

Varian gave Arthas a punch in the face because his paladin bubble was still on cooldown.

"OWWWWWW, you jerk! My beautiful nose!" Arthas grabbed a conveniently placed tissue and tried to stem the flow of blood from said injured body part. "What the hell! You were the one who asked!"

"...asked about what?" Jaina was back, and staring curiously at Arthas and Varian.

"Oh, Arthas was just telling me about how great you are in bed. You know, the usual."

Jaina promptly set Arthas on fire.


End file.
